My Atheism
This poem comes from my book: Poetics: An Exercise in Theoria.
You should buy the paper-back because it’s beautiful and real books are better than digital 😁: https://a.co/d/g5WrV9R
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I published this on Youtube as, “My Atheism.”
Listen while you read:
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Welcome to The Meaning of Worship
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Maybe that’s how it works.
Maybe to love my family I have to know
What it means to be mortal;
To be ready to let go.
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Maybe that was when my atheism began;
Holding my breathless daughter;
shaking in my hands.
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Maybe it got worse when my wife too almost died,
Or maybe that’s when it got better;
When I saw the effects of my pride.
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Maybe my atheism developed alongside my belief;
Living in that tree, and learning to hear and see;
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Combined with the waves of loneliness
Washing over my Hardened soul,
My lifeless, haunted, coral reef.
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But as I grew,
And as I traveled across the shore into deep water
and deeper more,
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I discovered the effects of an un-anchored soul;
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I felt the wind, and the waves took control.
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I hold to the rope,
And I refuse to die;
As the ship which brought me here sinks,
And steals my life.
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“I will not die nor be drug down beneath the deep!”
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Well that is what I said to my self,
While I watched this ship sink.
That’s what I said when my god left me.
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So, I’ve been right here ever since,
treading water, swimming.
But now I’m drowning.
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I won’t let go;
Of this rope anchoring me to my sinking self;
I won’t let the ocean take control.
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But it has control and I can’t breathe;
But I could let go, and let the wind and the waves
Take me and my family.
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I’m holding them under here…in the deep.
I don’t know how long they can survive my preaching.
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My throat is empty like the grave,
And my heart
like the outer shell
of a whitewashed tomb.
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I am dead, and they’re dying,
and will die if I don’t change,
if you don’t come and save.
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Please God I’m drowning in this ocean of pain;
I’m drowning in these waves.
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“You were searching for me, like silver, like buried gold.
with all your heart, from deep to deep, and you put
yourself in open ocean, waiting for me to come, to feel
nothing so that you could know that the next thing
that you felt was me. And I found you there, at sea, in
deep water. Breathe.”
